Beer League Hockey

This guy usually needs two bags to haul all of his gear. Most likely, both are Conway and Banks hockey bags.

Need a skate stone? Shit, this guy is probably toting a Sparx portable skate sharpener. Did you forget an elbow pad? What size do you need?

The Pro Shop lives for gear. He’s the first player to buy every new stick, skate, jersey, and breezers the day they’re released and makes certain that everybody in the league knows about it. What the Pro Shop lacks in ability, he more than makes up in style.

Haphephobia is the fear of being touched. While nearly all beer hockey leagues are no-check leagues, there is still the frequent bumping, pinning, blanketing, and stick-work involved. After all ‘rubbing is racing’. The Haphephobe hates it all. The Haphephobe is often a transplanted inline hockey player who grew up playing in a league with wheels and without contact.

His aversion to any contact is deeply rooted and easily triggered when the other team learns of his identity. It’s a tough existence in the beer league for any Haphephobe once he is exposed since he will suffer endless misery until the clock runs out. If pushed too far, The Haphephobe can quickly morph into Likes-To-Go Guy. The only problem is that, unlike that guy, the Haphephobe wears a full cage on his helmet.

Every beer league has at least one Likes-To-Go Guy. Ideally two, so they can find each other and try to cave each other’s grills in at every opportunity. Likes-To-Go Guy starts every beer league game by hoovering down some smelling salts and calling his teammates pussies for not joining him. LTGG never wears shoulder pads or a cage or shield on his helmet and chirps everyone else who does.

Anger is usually the driving factor that fuels Likes-To-Go Guy. Anger at his dead-end job, his boss, lack of money, his wife, and hell – maybe even his kids. Things in his life have not exactly gone as planned and he seeks to right the world through endless chirping, intimidation, and fisticuffs. Likes-To-Go Guy inevitably gets tossed out of the league or shitcanned by his own team only to lose the only true release, besides booze, that he has left in his miserable life.

Pass the puck to The Black Hole and you might as well skate to the bench for a line change. The puck ain’t coming back… ever. The Black Hole has just enough vision to receive a pass, but quickly goes blind (and deaf) when another teammate is wide open.

This puck hog only gets the message when all of his teammates turn the tables on him and he is left to wander aimlessly around the rink without ever getting the puck.

The Nutter can be any one of your teammates but is most likely the keeper.

After all, if you’re crazy enough to play goalie, your elevator probably never goes all the way up to the penthouse. The Nutter might talk to his goalposts, or he might not talk at all. The Nutter likely has strange pre-game rituals, superstitions, and beliefs if you watch his behavior.

Nobody really knows what’s going on inside The Nutter’s coconut, but you damn sure don’t want to be in his way when he finally snaps.

You only get to spend half of each game with The Bin because he spends the other half in the penalty box. He will tell you that the refs hate him and so he is constantly singled out despite never doing anything wrong.

The Bin’s act often gets old quick, especially when he habitually exits the sin bin and goes right back to the game action, screwing over the player impatiently waiting for his dutiful return to the bench.

The Bin definitely needs better beer league hockey etiquette.